A plague is sweeping across the town causing drivers in Kuching to display what appears to be signs of Parkingson’s disease. There have been no official annoucements from the local authorities, but a Kuching-born expert in this field, Dr. (‘Driver’, not ‘Doctor’) Lionel Lam, has compiled a list below to help with identifying the progression of this disease, as well as how to help those infected to cope better with their lives (and driving skills). There has been no word on the cause of this disease, but rumor has it that it is caused by certain Hollywood blockbusters and bad parenting skills. Patrons of car club meets and car-modding workshops are at high risk of getting infected.

Stage 1: Early Detection
Symptoms include weakness of limbs, particularly the legs, resulting in over-dependence of using motor vehicles even for short distances (300 meters or less) and the inability to walk from parking lots and spaces. Early signs of the disease are often hard to detect, but affected individuals are advised to get a medical check-up if they show signs of irritability on the roads. Symptoms usually only manifest when the affected individuals are behind the wheel.

Stage 2 Progression: Brain Infection
As the disease progresses to a slightly more advanced stage, the victim’s brain becomes infected, causing additional symptoms, including but not limited to, occupying more than one parking lot and/or leaving their cars parked at the roadside, much to the inconvenience of law-abiding drivers. Emotional instability may manifest, especially when said individuals are confronted by members of the law-enforcement group.

Stage 3 Progression: Worsening Signs
As the disease progresses to the third stage, the symptoms will worsen significantly. What used to be 300 meters walking distance from the parking lot will reduce to anywhere between 5 meters to 20 meters. Compulsive groaning and grunting (more like cursing and swearing actually) and other Neanderthalish behaviour will manifest.

Treatment
Treatment is fast and painless. Either lock up the offending individuals, or lock up their car keys. This disease is often difficult to treat because the affected individuals usually behave like other normal-functioning individuals when not in the driver’s seat, and is thus difficult to detect.

Government Initiatives
The Ministry of Health appears to be unable to help as many affairs with regard to this new outbreak are not within their jurisdiction. The government is however mulling the possibility of creating a crony company to handle this health menace.